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Hey, so I have been feeling like I wanna talk to someone. Well no, not want, need to.
So you know what. Here goes nothing.
I feel this is kinda like sending you the first part of a story and you reading it when and if you feel like it only.
There is a nicer paper version but I'm having trouble re reading it my self so email it is.
I would love to be able to just hang out and talk instead of this way. I would much rather be able to listen to your thoughts and feel your reaction if any, as you would hear me say all this. Like normal friends do. But truthfully I don't think I can say it all out loud. Just writing it makes my throat feel tight and I get nauseous. I cant talk about most of this stuff without loosing my calm and getting confused ,dizzy and find a way to avoid it ..put up more walls and keep pretending it's all good & under control. I will try to not say silly jokes like usual to brush the true feelings off ,(like the one about the threesome I joked around with the other day ...there is no way i would ever be able to go there in reality..i hope you remember me enough to know that)
Why do i need to say this I don't even know? And why write it to you? Maybe I'm just feeling this because you trusted me enough to be so open and honest with me? you letting me "in" so much like that in such a real way is a truly indescribable feeling for me. The fact that I can feel what you shine is probably a huge factor in my feeling ok with sharing this stuff with you.
I am Just following my heart on this one. No rhyme or reason just non filtered thoughts needing to come out somehow.
I know you are busy and ( by the way I have a whole list of ideas of things that could maybe benefit the shop but till i feel you know what you want your future to look like my ideas are just that )
There's no plan , no structure, just letting the words come out and I will do my best to not censor or filter my thoughts. A Non fictional autobiography of the theory as to why I'm such a crazy girl who loves to be mostly alone and sad in the woods. And does not like most humans.
Maybe it is true, maybe I am addicted to a certain kind if sadness.
I did say you always made me crazy ""I've always been crazy for you"" and although that is somewhat true in a way ..
Truthfully, we both know my inner craziness goes far far far beyond that part of me that I am not strong at all and I am very scared. I still sleep with one eye and both ears open, I am scared most of the time...but I am very very good at pretending to be happy,
it was the 1st and most impressionable survival lesson life taught me.
Why I think you wanna hear this ? I don't, not even a little, thats the weirdest part, i even feel like I'm bothering you with this.
I don't even like writing it or thinking about it all, that is why this is so strange cause I just feel I have to, in the hopes that maybe I will finally feel like someone out there knows me , all of me, the real me and not use it against me to get what they want from me. The few times I've tried to open up even just a tiny little bit, my weaknesses have been used against me. you know there are actual humans out there that look for damaged souls like mine ( and Candice's for example) and they master the art of manipulation to get what they need / want ... its sick but it works... And every time i I get caught I feel so stupid and I feel like Im 5 years old again in my bedroom scared to hear noises coming towards my room ) it's paralyzing.
One other thing most people do not know about me, as far as I can remember I have always felt what feels like vibes from most people, some more than others and lots of them I would of rather not been able to. It takes over inside me it's like a magnet and I can't help feeling sad, angry, scared, hurt, frightened, anxious, whatever the person is feeling, it's really scary and draining to keep to myself.
I like to stay in a lot. alone is even better. I don't have much extra energy and get drained really fast out there.
Your energy always calmed me as opposed to most people who feel like tornadoes for me to even just stand next to, your energy always made me feel at ease and as safe as I know how to feel. Your energy and calmness is what I called home. That's besides the point here, I don't ever tell people this part of me,,, no one gets it, they look at me like I am purple like i have previously mentioned, I don't know maybe you think I am looking a little like barney too now but I do know I don't ever feel judged by you.
When i close my eyes and go there I can still feel you hugging me when i walked in the shop. A few weeks ago, .
You were shining really bright white ...color of hope, pureness, simplicity, hope and goodness, the sense of realness and softness you radiate is overwhelming as was the heaviness of your colors and energy shifts ( brown, red, pink, black ) as you started talking, some words I barely heard because of the overpowering sense of hurt and betrayal you were letting out , I was taking in with that magnet of mine I couldn't help it and I wanted to be there and be supportive and intuitive and know what to say that could in any way make it seems better. I was really rough just controlling my breathing and my heart beat..got very nervous and anxious and confused and if I close my eyes & just hear you again I go threw all the emotions again and it is literally breathtaking..only word I can find. Hard to breathe, breaks my heart. feels helpless and useless.
Just breathe. Ok.
But this is not even about that part of me. I get sidetracked sorry.
I know These three boys chose me for a reason , you do not have 3 babies so close together while using protection and so many odds agains you....unless something more powerful is at work. I fact is that if Marshall didn't arrive when he did I am not even sure I would be here still. But I still feel I'm not good enough for them. I have lost my faith in humans since I was 4 years old. Its not something I feel i can get back, not all the while feeling and seeing and living all this sad human nature crap.
Why send these little angels to me ?
My soul has been damaged from such a young age and I always felt more sensitive to everything than most people so why send me these three amazingly complex and mysterious little men?.... I need to stop these angry feelings of hurt and hatred , I don't want to feel like that....
I have very few good friends, and most of them I don't even want to see much. I do love them anyhow, in my own way.
I love my kids but I do not feel at all even a little worthy or truly capable of handling this much responsibility.
Truth is, I cant take care of me ... I don't even think I am even close to being smart enough or capable of keeping it together long enough for what these boys do and will need for many hears still.
I like to be sad. i need to feel that to be at home , I am lost when unconditional love like that is in my face cause I don't believe in it.
But you have to believe it when they only say it once a year and not when they want a toy or something form you right? Is that why my sons have autism and are mostly non verbal ? To teach me that pure souls like that can only love me unconditionally? And for ever...
To teach me how to love again for real? I really do love them more than I love myself there is no doubt about that. I have taken things they have done to me with a calmness and serenity that surprised me ( being spit at and scratched in the face on propose by your 4 year old because the store is closing and not completely loosing my calm is a test of patience and understanding... But ok so I did it, without hurting anyone but that doesn't mean I didn't come home , put them to bed and cry for long time.
So how can I raise real good men? Another truth about me is I don't even like most men.
I don't trust most humans, don't even like many of them either.
Mostly liars , fakes and users. I might even say I hate most of them men or women actually.
But men I am scared of. unless I can keep them just far away enough and try to be friends as long as they don't come to close I'm ok.
I can feel mostly creepy energy they send off, you'd be surprised .. i don't like being in the same room as most of them even. i don't care what anyone says lots of men are out for one thing and only that is the main reason behind all they do in life.Its scary.
I can fake it a little to be civil but it gets overwhelming... And that makes me feel sick inside, I don't want to feel this way but I do. How can I raise 3 men and not mess them up. I feel I do not deserve their love either. When the first 3 men and most of the few after that that were in my life are all bad memories for me.
1st man in my life was my father; great man, worked hard, loved his wife and kids was living the life most people thrive to have .. Coming home from work a little later than usual, because he ran an errand to help his friend out, stops at the store to pick up a special surprise for his girls because he is late for supper... gets hit by drunk drivers at the corner of the street where we lived. He passed away on the scene. He is France Castel's brother so it was in the papers and news cameras were there as well. I was so young but I do remember the cops coming to tell my mom. Do not remember any words but I do remember feeling it and seeing it when i close my eyes I can see it .. I still feel it too. Then I see very clear images of the car and him and blood on the door and side of the car.. I could still describe the shirt he was wearing.
That is basically all I remember of him. That and after hating on him and blaming him for at least 12 years of what my moms new man was making me live with. I was really mad at him for leaving me there alone.
2nd man in my life was Frank but I really don't feel like that going into that part tonight .... Let's go strait for the 3rd man in my life my grand-pa Kitch. ( he only started to talk to my mother again when i was about 7 or so , he had disowned her for being divorced from her previous relationship and in love and re married to my dad) A strong, intelligent, work hard, do it your self from top to bottom , no nonsense real strict man but with a fun side hidden deep down under all the scars and all the walls put up around him from fighting in wars for the same country that would later on let him pass away in a hospital without even being able to give him access to someone that spoke english to him or even want to try. I loved hm dearly as you know.. I truly though he was the best man ever, a real man.. I thought and believed that because I never thought he knew., I knew he knew Frank was a jerk...a loud mouth drunk idiot.... But i never knew he knew more.... later on in life I kinda found some awkward words to try and tell him a tiny bit of what Frank had done to me.... But when I finally did find the nerve.. I don't think I ever told you , I know I never told anyone else.... he just very normally and sternly told me he knew what Frank was ""up to"" and figured that since he was taking care of Dawn and her orphaned kids ( as he put it ) he should not interfere. The one man I had adored and looked up to my whole life so far , who i thought was a real man... Supposedly loved me ?? he had even said it often, i never felt him real though but i figured i was intimidated by him but I loved & looked up to him so much ! When I heard him say that as if I was hassling him with this stuff about Frank; Inside me... I felt like I needed to disappear.
No words can describe how alone and very confused that made me feel.. Much worse than when my mom told me not to bother coming home after I wrote to her about it. Worse than when Nancy came in and told me if it was true he would of done it to her too and first... The worst feeling i get thinking back at that time was feeling so confused and scared. i felt I had to but
Letting the person i loved the most go before getting up the courage to let all this come out and being kicked out and living threw this all was the hardest thing i ever did, the worst I ever felt. Biggest mistake? best sacrifice? Selfish or selfless ? i do know that if my love was not true i would not of cared to drag the only other person that made me feel safe threw the hell I knew had to be lived out. I couldn't not pretend anymore and you were wanting to be nice and get me to talk and i couldn't... Not yet. And even now I just couldn't look at you and tell you the things he did to me , made me do.. Even now i feel like throwing up.
I wanted to finally let my mom and them know that he was much worse than what they knew. But in the same time I needed to be highly intoxicated and destructive to numb all the horrible feelings and emotions i needed to filter threw to get there... Find some sort of liquid or pill like courage to get the words out .... Didn't work... I finally had to write and re write what i was going to say to my mom.... If i had known she would barely read it and burn it asap. I would of never gone threw such trouble. i do still have my rough copy of what i left her..
You know before being able to tell my mom and why i needed to make you not want to be with me anymore was because all I felt i wanted to do was be horrible And mean . I felt I just wanted to start trouble with you for no reason because i felt hurt, broken. I knew my love for you was real And I could NOT act like that towards you. Did not want to . I know it does not seem to make sense really but I felt that was the only way. I couldn't face you or try to explain why because I felt you so much, imagine I still don't think I could say this in person now.
I felt your compassion and your need to be safe and loved as well and I knew you wouldn't give up on me if I gave you the choice. i felt you did not deserve to be put threw what I needed to do. I swear it sounds nuts but its the truth I didn't think you could love me i didn't think anyone should and could love me after everything Frank did to me and said ( he repeated the same things to me over and over for years and years..with guns to my head and other areas too..he had me drinking scotch at 6 yrs old that i can remember, with his hunting buddies, the cops) and all the disgusting things he did and made me do... i don't and did not feel anyone should love me after knowing all that , and no one besides me knows all of it.
I felt that I loved you more than anyone and anything. i felt you were the one thing in this world that would make me not want to just give up all together. But also I was so broken, so scared, confused and needed to find my path to destruction . You were the one and only person I felt did not deserve to feel the pain and all that was going to be coming out soon. i needed to Be mean and stubborn and fight and scream and punch.and turn off my hart for a few years..you knew the real me for a while but after that she was gone she left that day in my mom's basement, i cried for weeks took acid and laid there crying and trying to plan my next move to hurt Frank . But i was so scared of him , i still believed all the threats and things he had been repeating for so long to me.
I wanted to self destruct as much as possible just be somewhere else completely and I also wanted to destroy anyone who looked at me even, I often did it on purpose, I went out and looked for trouble down town Montreal on purpose, got into some bad situations, punched and kicked my way out of few . I sometimes would go out with the only intention to make them try to come up and dance with me or something and then when they did I would just go crazy on em.
I was fed up of being a frightened little girl pretending everything is fine and feeling so hypersensitive and always ready for a fight... I also hung around with lots of boys, on purpose too... Hung around with them to make trouble... To make people be shocked and ask questions. If a girl i knew had a boyfriend id find a way to get him to come out with me on purpose to make trouble. i always enjoyed testing peoples honesty and realness , friendships ...test how many people,out there are liars and untrustworthy. You'd be shocked!
Anyhow, besides the point I'm trying to make here. So threw all that and all the boys i hung out with back then i never ever ever let any of them touch me really or come close to having sex with me. Ever. I don't think i ever told anyone this but it took years before I did. And that was only because my mom had kicked me out and i had to stay at this guys place and after a while it kind of felt like I had to . Never really wanted to. Just did it, cause it was supposed to be like that.. And I had nowhere else to go at the time. i did get my act together a bit and went to school and worked 2 jobs , had my car and got my apartment.. Then he decided that since I had lived with him (alex) and hi mom for a few months it was my turn to take him in, he was a good manipulator, really friendly, played guitar was a singer song writer and all the girls just loved him. I played into the game a bit thinking he was maybe not as bad as what my gut and my feelings were telling me, i was also still young and screwed up, on acid and my whole family hated me and thought i was a liar, Frank was out to kill me really.
so I let him (alex) stay with me and became his girlfriend without ever really feeling a connection besides not being alone.
Months later I found a note from some he had been with the night before in his pants, I took my stuff and left our apartment ( the one that I was the only one paying for) to go away a bit and calm down, it was almost christmas so on the 24 th at midnight I called my apartment, I guess I still don't know why i really called because i was still angry but my best friend at the time Isabelle was the one who answered my phone, at my home with him.
They were drunk and she told me right off ohh I'm so sorry now i feel bad she said .ll i told her to wait right there that I was coming back. She didn't. She never came back, I saw her once in Montreal when I was working in Vermont years later and she ran from me like a kid. stupid me though never had the guts to kick him out , so i let him stay and tried to believe that he wouldn't do it again but I never felt him real but still I was just basically numb and going threw motions of what I felt I needed to do to survive , pay rent, have food , go to school, be happy again some day?
One day when was working as a manager at a hydraulics company ( one of franks biggest competitors) and i was working 43 hours a week, that super alex never did work but was real good at pretending to be a nice guy ... i was sick and stayed home that one day, i got the mail, found for 35 000$ yup its not a typo 35 000$ of credit cards and credit lines and hotel rooms and bar tabs at chez pare and so much more and all these things i had never bought..or even knew about. All of it in my name. He was stealing, cheating, lying and all the while asking me and really laying it on thick acting like he wanted me to marry him and have his children, he would always tell everyone around us that too.
I got his things and just without even thinking put everything out in the freezing rain, all of it, the guitars and case separately, the amps, the 4 tracks.c's, records,.clothing, pictures, cameras, you name it it was out there & so was he. He came back a few months later claiming that my car was his ... So I took it and drove it right in the big fire we had going in the yard that night. I had good friends so when the cops came everyone just blamed alex for it. My insurance covered it. Not the money..that I had to completely reimburse with interest myself. That is what made me accept the job in Vermont. The pay but mostly getting away, far far away.
I'm not able to write more for now took me long enough to get this part ok to send out, keep wanting to change words or change my mind about pushing send ..
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