THE END NOTE
At the single couch that directly faces the main door of the house is where I have decided to sit. There so many couches in this living room but I have never thought of sitting on this one until today. Its 12.32 AM and he is not back from ‘work’ yet. “Babe I will be working late today. Can we please postpone our little plan?” He must be shitting me! It’s not the first time by the way. He had promised we’d go to Diani Beach Hotel to spend the night there. We’d fire up the night with a bottle of Red Wine and a blue movie. I wanted to surprise him with a new pair of lingerie I bought today. I had even practised how I’d pole dance and do a striptease for him. What a freak! Having wasted my anxiety and expectations on nothing.
When I tell him how such things hurt me he starts to raise his voice like the way he does when climaxing in bed. I have never gathered up the guts to tell him how ugly he sounds when he does that. The last time he was late like this I asked him whether he was with another girl and you know what he said? “It seems that is always what you want to hear huh?” For real? After being overly-committed to him like that? I get nauseated when I think of him with another girl! Then he was not even ashamed of holding my arm so indecently as if he was arresting me. Well, I guess he lacks a sense of obligation to me because he hasn’t put a ring on my finger yet.
I wonder whether he’ll do that anyway. He says he wants to and he will but sometimes he doesn’t act like a man who is serious about taking the relationship to the next level. Or perhaps that’s the price I have to pay for being thirteen years younger than him. I don’t want to start imagining that he might be taking me for a child. Today he will know that I am no child!
On my left is my phone. It's lying still and silent like a baby after breastfeeding. It has been two hours. My phone has never been this dry of notifications. No different from a piece of brick lying on the couch. I am waiting for him to call so that I may burn him over the phone with the liquid fire that is now surging through my gut. He must be knowing that I am already boiling. He cannot dare to call. Or he is too busy receiving a heavenly administration of lip service; if you know what I mean. I bet no other girl can do it as heavenly as I do, like duh! I will know that is what he has been up to when he comes home pretending to be tired and knowing nothing else but how to sleep.
On my right is a kitchen knife. I have not yet decided whether I am to use it on myself or on him. Whichever the case, it will be used to cut the place that bleeds out the most. It’s either I die or he dies. I think it’s better I die. So he’d live with the guilt of being such a moron. So that for every girl he will make a move on, he will see my face in place of their faces all the time. I want to be the ghost that haunts him day and night. I will come in between him and the woman he will be holding at night when he sleeps. I bet they will be different women for every week or even every night. None of them would want to stay any longer with him because he will keep yelling the name of a girl they don’t know about in his nightmares. That name will be my name. He will loathe every other girl who he will meet and has a name like mine. When he sees me in his nightmares he will beg for mercy, asking me to come alive and he’d love me in the way he will wish he did.
Even a blogger will one day write about him. About how numerous ladies have forsaken their side of his bed because of the hideous nightmares he will have of me. He will write that as other men struggle to keep women because of reasons such as lack of money or underperformance, this particular man cannot keep women because of the alleged ghost that haunts him regardless of whether his eyes are open or not.
I take a look at my wrists. Just the perfect places to swipe the blade. When he walks into his house, he will be stuck in between screaming, wetting his pants and passing out. At least I know he will shed tears since he will definitely know it’s all his fault. It will be a plus when the police come and say he did it. Before my poor soul leaves the room to wherever the bank of departed souls is, I will be honoured to see how they will pin him down and cuff his hands. Those hands that he promised to only touch me with. Those hands that he promised to use to spend money on me and his siblings alone! If only they knew how much of a monster he is. Those hands that he used to hold me by the hand two years ago when I was still a shy girl on campus.
He came and said he can and will take care of me. He said I was so young and I had a great life ahead of me that only an able and older man like him has the capability to guide me through. I would not have to be a burden to my parents for school fees, rent, food, clothes and what not. He would teach me and help me start my own business and I will be as successful as Oprah Winfrey knows what. Boys in campus are just boys who want to use me as they learn how to become men. That I need a man in my life and not a boy. He didn’t have a ring on his finger. So when I said yes, I wasn’t worried about destroying another woman’s house. He even cancelled his wedding for my sake.
I can feel an itch in my eye. Is it a tear? No, I hope it’s not a tear. Okay, who am I kidding? I’m so broken and hurt. I will have to cry. I have a house that had its rent paid from January to December. I have 29 pairs of shoes and two wardrobes full of clothes. All a woman would want, yes? But I thought I was happy. Now I am the loser here. I’m so lonely. Everyone that mattered in my life is gone because I made this son of Lucifer who is causing me all these pain and frustration – the only one that mattered to me. Now, he is drifting. I mean, what did I expect? He wasn’t even mine in the first place. I was just fooled. I wish I had listened to my best friend Anika. I should have listened when she said that he was only using me.
December is here. The last month before rent is demanded again. Where will I go now? How will I tell my family about where I have been for the past one year after I cleared college? Don’t tell me to relax! And dare not to tell me that he will come around. Anika told me that men give clear signals. This one shows that he is retreating from my ship for good. I’m just so messed up. What have I done?
I’m holding the knife on my hand now. If he doesn’t call in two minutes, be sure I’m gone for good! I can’t live with the fact that that 34-year-old perverted man was a scam all along. I can’t live with the embarrassment that it comes with. No! Not today! Not ever. There’s only one way out of this. Goodbye world and all the good things you have. My wonderful family and friends, I’m sorry but it’s time. I shut my eyes.
Ouch! The blade has gone through.
It’s now still silence.
It’s about to be pin drop silence.
Now it has become pin drop silence.
Goodness! I’ve never heard this amount of… si…lence in my… life.
I can hear the phone ringing. It sounds like it’s so damn far. Like it’s ringing from the moon. Can a phone function on the moon? Is it really happening? Everything is going dark. I want to reach for the phone but I… I can’t. I’m too weak. I can’t feel myself. One moment I see the flashing light of the phone, another moment, I don’t. Then finally, I try to wake up but I just can’t. Maybe this is it. The end.