Famous Jokes Quotations

First 1 Last 
"You look like a talent scout for a cemetery."
by Henny Youngman
"You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler."
by Henny Youngman
"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."
by Henny Youngman
"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
by Henny Youngman
"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."
by Henny Youngman
"Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!"
by Henny Youngman
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
by Henny Youngman
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
by Henny Youngman
"Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?"
by Henny Youngman
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."
by Henny Youngman
"Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?"
by Henny Youngman
"Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket."
by Henny Youngman
"Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries."
by Henny Youngman
"Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it."
by Henny Youngman
"Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous."
by Henny Youngman
"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
by Henny Youngman
"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
by Henny Youngman
"This man dresses like an unmade bed."
by Henny Youngman
"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."
by Henny Youngman
"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."
by Henny Youngman
"The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!"
by Henny Youngman
"The patient says, 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this.' 'Then don't do that!'"
by Henny Youngman
"The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs."
by Henny Youngman
"The more I think of you, the less I think of you."
by Henny Youngman
"The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail."
by Henny Youngman
"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."
by Henny Youngman
"The food on the plane was fit for a king. 'Here, King!'"
by Henny Youngman
"The Doctor says, 'You'll live to be 60!' 'I AM 60!' 'See, what did I tell you?'"
by Henny Youngman
"The doctor says to the patient, 'Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window'. 'What will that do?' asks the patient. The doctor says, 'I'm mad at my neighbor!'"
by Henny Youngman
"The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'"
by Henny Youngman
"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"
by Henny Youngman
"Take my wife, please!"
by Henny Youngman
"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."
by Henny Youngman
"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
by Henny Youngman
"She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match."
by Henny Youngman
"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."
by Henny Youngman
"She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' 'No, jump in!'"
by Henny Youngman
"She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, 'Tut, Tut!'"
by Henny Youngman
"She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair."
by Henny Youngman
"She has a wash and wear bridal gown."
by Henny Youngman
"She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."
by Henny Youngman
"Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.'"
by Henny Youngman
"Now, the band that inspired that great saying, 'Stop The Music!!'"
by Henny Youngman
"My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!"
by Henny Youngman
"My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife has a black belt in shopping."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, 'Where are you going?' My wife said, 'I must be late, everyone is all coming back!'"
by Henny Youngman
"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried."
by Henny Youngman
"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
by Henny Youngman
"My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him."
by Henny Youngman
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
by Henny Youngman
"My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked."
by Henny Youngman
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
by Henny Youngman
"My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says 'Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!'"
by Henny Youngman
"My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable."
by Henny Youngman
"My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough!'"
by Henny Youngman
"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."
by Henny Youngman
"My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo."
by Henny Youngman
"My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, 'Crick'."
by Henny Youngman
"Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!"
by Henny Youngman
"I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?"
by Henny Youngman
"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!"
by Henny Youngman
"Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?"
by Henny Youngman
"In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, 'We want Youngman! We want Youngman!' The coach says, 'Youngman - go see what they want!'"
by Henny Youngman
"In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, 'Why didn't you walk down?' He said, 'because I was going up!'"
by Henny Youngman
"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt."
by Henny Youngman
"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."
by Henny Youngman
"If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."
by Henny Youngman
"If I had blood, I'd blush."
by Henny Youngman
"I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of."
by Henny Youngman
"I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, 'What do you want?' 'A match' 'Why didn't you ask me?' 'I don't talk to strangers.'"
by Henny Youngman
"I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, 'Let's get up here before we get killed!'"
by Henny Youngman
"I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry."
by Henny Youngman
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
by Henny Youngman
"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."
by Henny Youngman
"I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium."
by Henny Youngman
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
by Henny Youngman
"I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads."
by Henny Youngman
"I know a guy who had his doctor say, 'Take some weight off, go to a health club.' The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!"
by Henny Youngman
"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
by Henny Youngman
"I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?"
by Henny Youngman
"I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!"
by Henny Youngman
"I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby."
by Henny Youngman
"I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, 'Which way do I go?' But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race..."
by Henny Youngman
"I came home, the car was in the dining room. 'How did you get the car in here?' 'Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.'"
by Henny Youngman
"I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood."
by Henny Youngman
"I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?'"
by Henny Youngman
"I asked a Jewish man, 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said, 'Yes', and walked away."
by Henny Youngman
"How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O"
by Henny Youngman
"Hollywood called me, asking me, 'How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?' '$50,000' They called back, 'How about $20,000?' I said, 'I'll pay it!'"
by Henny Youngman
"His motto is 'Love Thy Neighbor'. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker."
by Henny Youngman
"He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face."
by Henny Youngman
"Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece."
by Henny Youngman
"God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him!"
by Henny Youngman
"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'"
by Henny Youngman
"Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look."
by Henny Youngman


Hire a Writer