Famous Erma Bombeck Quotations

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"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?"
by Erma Bombeck
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
by Erma Bombeck
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
by Erma Bombeck
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
by Erma Bombeck
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
by Erma Bombeck
"... it's simply wrong to always order kids to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting."
by Erma Bombeck
"A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory an empty gin bottle."
by Erma Bombeck
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."
by Erma Bombeck
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other."
by Erma Bombeck
"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food."
by Erma Bombeck
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."
by Erma Bombeck
"I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows."
by Erma Bombeck
"I told you I was sick."
by Erma Bombeck
"If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have talked less and listened more."
by Erma Bombeck
"If I had my life to live over I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth."
by Erma Bombeck
"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."
by Erma Bombeck
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
by Erma Bombeck
"It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job."
by Erma Bombeck
"Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable."
by Erma Bombeck
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
by Erma Bombeck
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
by Erma Bombeck
"Never strike a child in anger. When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he is recuperating from the measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday."
by Erma Bombeck
"Never lend your car to whom you have given birth."
by Erma Bombeck
"Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best."
by Erma Bombeck
"People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."
by Erma Bombeck
"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I' That's where courage comes in."
by Erma Bombeck
"We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle."
by Erma Bombeck
"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
by Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me."
by Erma Bombeck
"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
by Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me:. - Erma Bombeck"
by Anonymous
"'In Saudi Arabia, a motorist accidentally killed a monkey on a highway in the Khamis Messeit region. Later, while driving home on the same road, he found monkeys still gathered around the dead animal's body. The mourners spotted his car, jumped on it, and smashed his windows!'"
by Erma Bombeck
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
by Erma Bombeck
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
by Erma Bombeck
"There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
by Erma Bombeck
"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."
by Erma Bombeck
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
by Erma Bombeck
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
by Erma Bombeck
"When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you"
by Erma Bombeck
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
by Erma Bombeck
"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity."
by Erma Bombeck
"If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair."
by Erma Bombeck
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
by Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.."
by Erma Bombeck
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
by Erma Bombeck
"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"
by Erma Bombeck
"Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for what!"
by Erma Bombeck


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