Famous Phyllis Diller Quotations

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"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
by Phyllis Diller
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."
by Phyllis Diller
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."
by Phyllis Diller
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
by Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing"
by Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing."
by Phyllis Diller
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered"
by Phyllis Diller
"I treasure every moment that I do not see her."
by Oscar Levant (about Phyllis Diller)
"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."
by Phyllis Diller
"If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift."
by Phyllis Diller
"Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt."
by Phyllis Diller
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
by Phyllis Diller
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
by Phyllis Diller
"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves"
by Phyllis Diller
"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
by Phyllis Diller
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day"
by Phyllis Diller
"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
by Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
by Phyllis Diller
"Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room."
by Phyllis Diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
by Phyllis Diller


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