Famous Woody Allen Quotations

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"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
by Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
by Woody Allen
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
by Woody Allen
"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."
by Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
by Woody Allen
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
by Woody Allen
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
by Woody Allen
"I am at two with nature."
by Woody Allen
"For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have."
by Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
by Woody Allen
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
by Woody Allen
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
by Woody Allen
"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE

Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead."
by Woody Allen
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
by Woody Allen
"At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time."
by Woody Allen
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
by Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
by Woody Allen
"Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
by Woody Allen
"Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib."
by Woody Allen
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
by Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of success is showing up"
by Woody Allen
"Eternity is very long, especially towards the end."
by Woody Allen
"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."
by Woody Allen
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
by Woody Allen
"For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal"
by Woody Allen
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
by Woody Allen
"Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak."
by Woody Allen
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
by Woody Allen
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter"
by Woody Allen
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"
by Woody Allen
"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size"
by Woody Allen
"How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans."
by Woody Allen
"I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven."
by Woody Allen
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."
by Woody Allen
"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
by Woody Allen
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
by Woody Allen
"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
by Woody Allen
"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
by Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
by Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
by Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
by Woody Allen
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
by Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."
by Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
by Woody Allen
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead."
by Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
by Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown"
by Woody Allen
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
by Woody Allen
"I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens"
by Woody Allen
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch"
by Woody Allen
"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
by Woody Allen
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
by Woody Allen
"If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
by Woody Allen
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
by Woody Allen
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
by Woody Allen
"Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right."
by Woody Allen
"Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters."
by Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
by Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
by Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
by Woody Allen
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
by Woody Allen
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
by Woody Allen
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
by Woody Allen
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
by Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
by Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions"
by Woody Allen
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
by Woody Allen
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
by Woody Allen
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
by Woody Allen
"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly"
by Woody Allen
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
by Woody Allen
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
by Woody Allen
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
by Woody Allen
"My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?"
by Woody Allen
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
by Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
by Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday"
by Woody Allen
"Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind."
by Woody Allen
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."
by Woody Allen
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
by Woody Allen
"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
by Woody Allen
"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."
by Woody Allen
"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman"
by Woody Allen
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
by Woody Allen
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it"
by Woody Allen
"Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack. Our literature, culture, and the the films of Woody Allen would be better today if Freud had never written a word."
by Ian Shoales
"Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name."
by Woody Allen
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."
by Woody Allen
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
by Woody Allen
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you"
by Woody Allen
"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
by Woody Allen
"The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night"
by Woody Allen
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more."
by Woody Allen
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more"
by Woody Allen
"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."
by Woody Allen
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
by Woody Allen
"The wicked at heart probably know something."
by Woody Allen
"There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."
by Woody Allen
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
by Woody Allen
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman"
by Woody Allen


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